Time to re-commit

It's been a long time and I deserve a slow, steady kick in the ass...thanks Jodi.

I have had a bad habit of not getting on my Blogger page and writing. Mum always tells me to write a journal and this can help get the writing in shape and leave a journal trail of my life. I am horrible at it. I get motivated from my sister-in-law by reading her posts and it encourages me to write more.

I'm feeling so tired these days. I'm not sure, from day to day, where my next job is coming from. I suppose that is the peril of being an independent contractor and working in a field where...well, you don't know where the next job is coming or when it is going. It's a strain on me planning ahead for the future for myself, or where I can offer help financially to my daughter, my family or myself. I have chose the path and will lay in the bed that I have made.

I have come to the realization that I have got to be calculating in the years that I have left to work, how much I believe I can save, and the country that I can live in that will allow me to live comfortable for the rest of my days, taking advantage of the currency exchange...with any luck, I can work hard for some good years and live to not exceed my worth...I'll save that for another day.

Back to being tired...I have been reminded as of late, that my eye sight is not all it was. I suppose I can blame it on reviewing documents from the beginning of the 20th century that were written in old calligraphy and thence copied poorly onto microfiche and microfilm since 1987 and I do. I also suppose that having a family history of diabetes does not favour the eyes nor does my previous or current conviviality for the lifestyle I lead. Poor eating, exercise and a history of alcoholism, probably doesn't support a healthy breakthrough of this history of diabetes.

This was reminded of me a few months ago when I started to feel less confident in my driving at night. It's not that I can't drive at night, it was just that I felt less confident at night and possibly considering the coverage I have on my insurance. But seriously, I thought about my parents and I would want them to be as safe as myself and others. I try to be cautious and want to see my daughter again before I die in some conflagration or cause harm to others and live the ends of my life in some stinking hole for manslaughter...my dreams include my toes in the sand...not in a cell, bankrupt and living with Bubba.

OK, time to get off of here and make a commitment to write at least 3 times a week. I hope I can live up to it.

P

Saturday afternoon and here I am chillin' on the couch, listening to my preset 'Plant/Page' station on Pandora.  I have been flying solo this past week. Mary left for California to visit her sister and her partner. The girls are with their other sister and presumably their father...who knows. He seems to have a main interest in his ego and a girl named...??? I don't remember her name and I don't really care to. No worries. I just think his girls should be his priority and they are not. I know this all too well...I am so blessed to have my daughter back in my life after abandoning her for something else; my addictions.

I would like to take a moment and talk about this. I have just recently reconnected with my Alicia. It has been a long and winding road. We went through a tough period, her and I. My addictions nearly cost my a beautiful and wonderful daughter. She has been brave enough to trust again and I have been given strength through family and a rediscover of inner faith and self awareness to allow me be sober and a willingness to accept that within my life, the only way for me, is sobriety.

I understand there are many types of addiction. Mine is alcohol, for others it may be heroin, prescription drugs, gambling, pornography, etc.

It has been brought to my attention that Ty, (the father of Mary's children), has a perceived addiction to pornography. I say 'perceived', because his girls busted him with magazines and this is not acceptable to them. Mary has also confirmed this and has told me this was a major thorn in their marriage. I have to say after Mary confirmed this with me, it solidified the girls accusations.

I only mention this because it adds to the end result of a failed marriage and one addiction, as I know, leads to others. Especially, when the addicted feels like he/she is getting away with it. (We are sneaky bastards)

Also, I understand that drug use, on certain levels such as smoking pot as a recreational drug, for me, I don't have a problem with. I have many friends who smoke marijuana on a regular basis in recreating. They are active, have families, discrete, it's not a wake and bake scenario, they are active members in their communities, have wonderful careers, they are responsible parents, exercise, recreate in our mountains, valleys, deserts and waters here in Utah. They are in great health and are mindful of their finances and fiscal responsibilities to their families and business'. So, I understand recreating with pot and using it as a lifestyle supplement.

On the other hand, I can't think of one other drug (except alcohol and I will discuss that later) that could be used recreationally.  Crank, crack, lsd, cocaine, and other synthetic drugs are just poison.

So here is the next crux...my daughter..she is either going to shit her nickers or accept me...i am assuming the latter...damn kids...

(if your reading this and you are my family, don't judge me)

OK, keep things in moderation. Serious, smoke a bowl with your friends...make tacos and toke a little more, have a night cap and go to bed....

Don't smoke weed all day and night...don't drink all day and night...in fact, don't drink at all...smoke a little hoobie with your spouse or your mates or alone...then watch a little tv then go to bed....this is not a ritual to be practiced every night....go for walks, help your kids with homework, take the dog out, sneak away from work an hour early and set a fly on a nearby river...

I will continue this later...stay strong, clean and sober...your family will love you for it.

Daylight savings and Daylight withdraw...

So, here we are...daylight savings, March 2013. I, like most people I know, don't care for the concept of daylight savings. According to some articles I have been reading and judging by my own disposition, this is daylight robbery. The theory behind  it all is that daylight savings, especially in the 'spring forward' portion, rob us of an hour of daylight. Thus, not allowing us full production of work that we are capable of, given an average day of work that preceded this up and coming Monday.
Perhaps, this is what became of my relationship with Tylee.
Having said that, I wanted to talk about being robbed. I was emotionally robbed this weekend by our 16 year old daughter. I know everyone will say that I cannot be robbed in this fashion unless I allow it to occur.
I understand that I am one of the parental units in the family, but, our 16yo took this a step too far.
Tylee usually has a sweet, loving, in-charge, Sargent Tylee, caring, passionate, able, willing and can-do, attitude. She displayed all of these things and more when she approached us with the notion to have her Labrador come live with us. We told her that we would consider it. Mary and I talked about it and decided that there was just not enough room in our small condo to accommodate this large animal. We spoke with Tylee about this and she said, "Well, I would like to have some sort of pet. A Guinea pig or hamster or something". We told her, once again, we would talk about it and then we would all talk about it then. Mary and I talked about it once more. We came to the conclusion that we could not accept one more living animal in our small environment. Mary informed her of our decision and she put on a tantrum. She pouted and stomped and put on her juvenile air es. She went off to school and that was that...then the phone rang. Mary had received a call from the school saying she had been checked out. Mary frantically scrambled to find out who checked her out and why. After many calls, Mary found out that Emelia, our oldest daughter, had checked Tylee out and was at Emelia's home. Emelia informed Mary that she was indeed there and was throwing a fit about not being able to have a pet. Mary went out, brought Tylee back home and we began to peel back the layers of the onion to find out the root of the problem.
Tylee informed us that she had already called a lady from an on-line service to purchase the Guinea pig and she was lonely and wanted a pet. Mary called the lady and apologised for the confusion and then Mary and I had determined that we needed to have a sit down with Tylee and talk this through.
Tylee him-hawed around postponed our little sit down. While she was stewing, Tylee's sisters had contacted us and asked if we had viewed her face book. We told them we hadn't seen anything. We went into Tylee's home page and were just taken aback with her postings. She was posting things about her feelings on the current subjects and cursing her family and our decisions regarding this matter. The thought then occurred to me to check her twitter account. This was even worse than her face book comments. She was cursing us all and found this forum to single me out using the Fu*k*ng boyfriend reference to my relationship with her mother. She had blocked us all from her face book and forgot that I follow her on twitter. This was the straw that broke my back.
I mean, yes, of course, I was angry. Angry at it all. The abusive language and how she grouped her "whole" family as this and that and we were this expletive and that expletive and so-forth. But, when she decided to single me out, after all I have done for and with her. She refers to me as her 'step-father' and 'guardian' and 'mentor' and still I was reduced to this label, "her fucking boyfriend". My mood quickly shifted from being angry, to hurt and betrayal. The tweets went on and on, including her whole family and how she wished she wasn't here, her family sucked, everyone was against her, etc.
That was yesterday and here we are. Mary has talked to her. I have not. Tylee sent me a text with a truncated, shallow attempt at an apology and I'm not satisfied. I want her to come to me with hat in hand and offer a sincere apology. I also want her to apologise to each and everyone in this family.  I want her to do this in person, to each and everyone of us. Including her father. I also want an apology on FB and Twitter. Then, I want her suspended from social mediums for 1 month. Then, we will be changing her ability to access these mediums on a daily basis. If she wants to use them, she will need to have achieved daily goals in order to be rewarded with access to FB, Twitter, etc.
I'm considering her text apology tonight and trying to figure out exactly what I am going to say to her. I know that I don't want to make it easy on her, but, I want to let her know she can always come and talk to me, just like before. I need to be firm, but, flexible. Hard, yet soft. I'm glad I have waited to talk to her so I can compose my thoughts.
Thanks to my Mary for standing behind me and US in all of this. She is so incredible and I love her so much. Well, time to sign off and determine what my move will be. I'll keep us all informed. I'm sure this was quite boring for all 3 of you...lol.

Checking in...

It's been a while. I have been busy, but, not busy enough. I really want to make something of this blog and my webpage and other projects in my life. I just don't make the time for it all. The life I have made for me is good and I have a wonderful family and I want to make this a point for me...ahhh. If you are reading this and you know me...please give me a kick in the arse and get me going. OK, I need to go, but want to make this something more than it is. Thank you and if you have ideas for this blog or ideas for keeping up on writing and adding cool things to it...let me know. Night all.